1.1.01.01.030: variant b mildew.
Aug. 26th, 2011 12:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
needshumility[Infirmary wardens (both doctors and not-doctors) filter. Plus Una, Jane, George and Victor]
I am... quite aware that one of your number, and a significant one, is not present for this, but I cannot simply sit on this for too long, and I believe we have some issues which need discussing. I do encourage this to be shared with her upon her return. It was no attempt to do it behind her back. I simply couldn't wait.
I have been advised to do this, and have included the person who advised me to do so, someone who has helped me previously with this, my inmate (as I wish matters to be clear to him) and Jane Brunswick, on this filter.
A while ago, when one of you was treating my inmate for injuries, I asked the doctor to show me everything they were doing, in detail. After I asked to see the drugs come out of their packets, and questioned the way I was being spoken to, said doctor then asked me why I was doing this. I then said, quite honestly, that I didn't trust them, and that it would be the same for any other doctor.
I also, admittedly, may have said that I did not believe the doctor to be incompetent. It was their intent, not their ability, that I didn't trust.
This remains the case. It has been suggested to me that I explain why, so I will give the best explanation I can.
I do not trust any Swatchman (my world's equivalent of a doctor, for reference) at home except my father. The simple reason why is that [copies words from Una] they are complicit in the state instructed murder of anyone politically inexpedient, or whose existence brings the nature of the collective into doubt. I used to trust them implicitly - much like everyone trusts you - and it was incredibly traumatic and difficult to discover otherwise. Therefore, I find it virtually impossible just to take your word for it that you do not do the same or similar. Everything that has been said to me by way of explanation has only sounded like what we're told about Swatchmen. I required proof to trust my own father, as a Swatchman. I hope you understand why, until I see some proof on your counts, I cannot trust you.
That being said; I am under the impression that I am being talked about. Why I am under that impression, I am not at liberty to share. Let me make a few things clear: I have not accused anyone of anything. I mentioned distrust, and that I wanted to make sure no harm was done. As, I believe, your 'oath' instructs you. I have never intended to stop you helping people. I am aware that you are the only people here capable of doing so.
My investigations into comas and disappearances are exactly that; investigations. I want to find the cause, whatever it might be. There is no result I am seeking specifically. It is not a vehicle to discredit anyone. Anything said to this end is, at best, a misunderstanding, and at very worst, a lie.
I hope this clarifies matters between us, and that nobody has cause to be upset or angry at me because of this.
I wish I could leave this here. I really do, but there are other things I have to say, because a lot of what has come to pass between us has upset me. I don't want that to be ignored.
I do feel, at times, that I have been patronised. Perhaps this is because I have not explained the nature of my distrust, but I have sometimes got the impression that it is assumed my distrust was because I didn't understand the medicine, and that an explanation like you would give to a child would suffice in making me feel better.
I also feel that my genuine concerns over comas and other matters have been dismissed, and incredibly rudely so. I was, and I paraphrase but do not misquote, told by a doctor that I should stop asking questions or go home. I have to point out, here and now, that this kind of response made my lack of trust worse and not better, as it appeared to me that something was being covered up.
There have been occasions when I, in my mind, have been insulted by a doctor here. Which perhaps is a matter of personal difficulty, not professional ones. But if it is standard for a doctor to tell me, in reference to the way I see colour, that it is a 'deficiency', then it hardly makes me inclined to trust you. I would not tolerate that language towards a Grey from someone Chromatic. I would not tolerate it from my inmate. So I think I have relative reason to be offended, in my view.
Finally, in regards to my offer to do the inventory, as I am worried about what assumptions you may have drawn and why; everything I offered was genuine, everything I said was the truth. I admit, I wanted to do it because I wanted to have a closer look at how you worked, but this was perhaps as much in the hope that I would see things to prove me wrong as it was that I might catch you proving me right. The fact I was not allowed, again, I will say, did not help my mistrust. It made everything seem like more of a closed world where I was not allowed to ask questions, offer assistance, and that any mistrust was down to be being an uneducated idiot. I am not saying this was the intent, but it was how it felt, and if I am explaining why I do not trust you all, I must include this matter.
I have to say: I still don't trust any of you. I might be wrong, I know that, but I can't take the risk. I hope you understand this. I will still request that unless it is the strictest of emergencies that I am present when you treat my inmate, and yes, that everything you do is demonstrated to me (nb: I know what your drugs do. I know what most of your equipment does. I just want to see that this is what's happening. And all that's happening). I would consider it irresponsible to my inmate's well being if I did not do so. I apologise if this offends you, but his well being comes before your feelings. I will not hide that this is the decision I have made.
((ooc: apologies for tl;dr, and apologies for doing it whilst some characters ain't about - I could wait, Eddie couldn't as he's a nervy little thing and doesn't want to chicken out. But backreading/tagging is not just fine, but encouraged. :D))
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
[Private]
Date: 2011-09-04 01:03 pm (UTC)As I have found you to be of reasonable heart, I can assume that she is of decent stock also.
Re: [Private]
Date: 2011-09-04 03:02 pm (UTC)[Private]
Date: 2011-09-06 09:55 am (UTC)Re: [Private]
Date: 2011-09-06 10:49 am (UTC)I'm not trying to convince you I'm a bad person, Victor, I just want you to consider how you've treated me differently to other people and why.
[Private]
Date: 2011-09-09 04:33 am (UTC)I once had another warden, who was quite different and yet a good man. I had assumed that you would be the same.
Re: [Private]
Date: 2011-09-09 11:19 am (UTC)[Private]
Date: 2011-09-11 05:31 am (UTC)Re: [Private]
Date: 2011-09-11 04:21 pm (UTC)[Private]
Date: 2011-09-12 11:13 am (UTC)Re: [Private]
Date: 2011-09-12 11:17 am (UTC)Do you see how you get into situations like you have done with Rex, for example?
[Private]
Date: 2011-09-12 12:08 pm (UTC)Rex was a most difficult case. He wore a mask of sorts, you see.
Re: [Private]
Date: 2011-09-12 12:11 pm (UTC)Do explain.
[Private]
Date: 2011-09-12 12:14 pm (UTC)He appeared as a normal man. He did not reveal his true form out of the most vile of cowardice.
Re: [Private]
Date: 2011-09-12 12:20 pm (UTC)Or, perhaps, because people like you would judge him for his true form.
[Private]
Date: 2011-09-12 01:35 pm (UTC)Would that have not been preferable to such dishonesty?
Re: [Private]
Date: 2011-09-12 01:40 pm (UTC)Probably not, Victor.
At home, there's a Rule against 'wrongspotting' - you've seen the little red spot I wear on my lapel? That shows that I'm a Red. Sometimes, Greys, or other lower ranked colours, put the wrong badge on their collar, so they can have more of the freedoms of the higher colours.
It's less that they're taking freedoms that don't belong to them, and more that they shouldn't have been denied them in the first place.
Do you see how that relates?
[Private]
Date: 2011-09-13 02:26 am (UTC)I suppose that I do. You are saying that Rex had worn the spot that was no grey?
Re: [Private]
Date: 2011-09-13 02:28 am (UTC)[Private]
Date: 2011-09-13 09:01 am (UTC)Re: [Private]
Date: 2011-09-13 10:32 am (UTC)Not that, Victor, I don't appreciate you trying to understand. But nobody likes to be pitied.
Re: [Private]
Date: 2011-09-13 11:27 am (UTC)Re: [Private]
Date: 2011-09-13 11:30 am (UTC)Re: [Private]
Date: 2011-09-13 11:33 am (UTC)Re: [Private]
Date: 2011-09-13 11:42 am (UTC)Re: [Private]
Date: 2011-09-14 01:24 pm (UTC)Re: [Private]
From:Re: [Private]
From:Re: [Private]
From:Re: [Private]
From:Re: [Private]
From:Re: [Private]
From: