1.1.01.01.030: variant b mildew.

[needshumility]

[Infirmary wardens (both doctors and not-doctors) filter. Plus Una, Jane, George and Victor]

I am... quite aware that one of your number, and a significant one, is not present for this, but I cannot simply sit on this for too long, and I believe we have some issues which need discussing. I do encourage this to be shared with her upon her return. It was no attempt to do it behind her back. I simply couldn't wait.

I have been advised to do this, and have included the person who advised me to do so, someone who has helped me previously with this, my inmate (as I wish matters to be clear to him) and Jane Brunswick, on this filter.

A while ago, when one of you was treating my inmate for injuries, I asked the doctor to show me everything they were doing, in detail. After I asked to see the drugs come out of their packets, and questioned the way I was being spoken to, said doctor then asked me why I was doing this. I then said, quite honestly, that I didn't trust them, and that it would be the same for any other doctor.

I also, admittedly, may have said that I did not believe the doctor to be incompetent. It was their intent, not their ability, that I didn't trust.

This remains the case. It has been suggested to me that I explain why, so I will give the best explanation I can.

I do not trust any Swatchman (my world's equivalent of a doctor, for reference) at home except my father. The simple reason why is that [copies words from Una] they are complicit in the state instructed murder of anyone politically inexpedient, or whose existence brings the nature of the collective into doubt. I used to trust them implicitly - much like everyone trusts you - and it was incredibly traumatic and difficult to discover otherwise. Therefore, I find it virtually impossible just to take your word for it that you do not do the same or similar. Everything that has been said to me by way of explanation has only sounded like what we're told about Swatchmen. I required proof to trust my own father, as a Swatchman. I hope you understand why, until I see some proof on your counts, I cannot trust you.

That being said; I am under the impression that I am being talked about. Why I am under that impression, I am not at liberty to share. Let me make a few things clear: I have not accused anyone of anything. I mentioned distrust, and that I wanted to make sure no harm was done. As, I believe, your 'oath' instructs you. I have never intended to stop you helping people. I am aware that you are the only people here capable of doing so.

My investigations into comas and disappearances are exactly that; investigations. I want to find the cause, whatever it might be. There is no result I am seeking specifically. It is not a vehicle to discredit anyone. Anything said to this end is, at best, a misunderstanding, and at very worst, a lie.

I hope this clarifies matters between us, and that nobody has cause to be upset or angry at me because of this.

I wish I could leave this here. I really do, but there are other things I have to say, because a lot of what has come to pass between us has upset me. I don't want that to be ignored.

I do feel, at times, that I have been patronised. Perhaps this is because I have not explained the nature of my distrust, but I have sometimes got the impression that it is assumed my distrust was because I didn't understand the medicine, and that an explanation like you would give to a child would suffice in making me feel better.

I also feel that my genuine concerns over comas and other matters have been dismissed, and incredibly rudely so. I was, and I paraphrase but do not misquote, told by a doctor that I should stop asking questions or go home. I have to point out, here and now, that this kind of response made my lack of trust worse and not better, as it appeared to me that something was being covered up.

There have been occasions when I, in my mind, have been insulted by a doctor here. Which perhaps is a matter of personal difficulty, not professional ones. But if it is standard for a doctor to tell me, in reference to the way I see colour, that it is a 'deficiency', then it hardly makes me inclined to trust you. I would not tolerate that language towards a Grey from someone Chromatic. I would not tolerate it from my inmate. So I think I have relative reason to be offended, in my view.

Finally, in regards to my offer to do the inventory, as I am worried about what assumptions you may have drawn and why; everything I offered was genuine, everything I said was the truth. I admit, I wanted to do it because I wanted to have a closer look at how you worked, but this was perhaps as much in the hope that I would see things to prove me wrong as it was that I might catch you proving me right. The fact I was not allowed, again, I will say, did not help my mistrust. It made everything seem like more of a closed world where I was not allowed to ask questions, offer assistance, and that any mistrust was down to be being an uneducated idiot. I am not saying this was the intent, but it was how it felt, and if I am explaining why I do not trust you all, I must include this matter.

I have to say: I still don't trust any of you. I might be wrong, I know that, but I can't take the risk. I hope you understand this. I will still request that unless it is the strictest of emergencies that I am present when you treat my inmate, and yes, that everything you do is demonstrated to me (nb: I know what your drugs do. I know what most of your equipment does. I just want to see that this is what's happening. And all that's happening). I would consider it irresponsible to my inmate's well being if I did not do so. I apologise if this offends you, but his well being comes before your feelings. I will not hide that this is the decision I have made.

((ooc: apologies for tl;dr, and apologies for doing it whilst some characters ain't about - I could wait, Eddie couldn't as he's a nervy little thing and doesn't want to chicken out. But backreading/tagging is not just fine, but encouraged. :D))

Comments

[Private]

[dark-surgeonx.livejournal.com]

Considering being raised in such an environment, I can empathize with your desire for transparency. And, barring it being an emergency where time is a factor, I've no issue with letting someone ask questions about my work.

But this empathy should go both ways. No one here is obligated to lend their skills to the well being of the passengers on the Barge. They aren't ordered or paid to do so. They choose to do so of their own volition. So, to have their motives questioned can be just as insulting.

You mentioned the Hippocratic Oath in passing. Are you aware of what it states?

Re: [Private]

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

I... I am aware of that, but swatchmen give the appearance of goodwill, quite often - that alone isn't enough to make me feel any different about it, and frankly? I tried to keep my worries about it to myself, and just try and make sure what I had to do to make me feel more secure was done - asking questions, making sure I was there when my inmate was treated, keeping secure access to my world's drugs, insisting I saw everything done at its fullest, investigating the medical mysteries I saw (comas, for example) and researching into your world's equivalents of my drugs - but I was directly asked why I was doing this, and all I did was tell the truth. I didn't mean to insult or hurt anyone by that, it simply was the truth. I don't trust you. I find it exceptionally hard, if impossible, to trust you.

I was shown the whole thing, yes. I have to point out - by someone who wasn't a doctor. I... might have thought that was a starting place. The problem with that is... it's still your word for it. And I'd love, absolutely love, to believe it was all true and what you really did - but everything in it sounds like what Swatchmen said that turned out to be a long way from the truth.

Thank you for understanding, though.

[Private]

[dark-surgeonx.livejournal.com]

You said your father was one of these medical professional from your world. How much did he teach you, or do you know personally about medicine?

Re: [Private]

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

Enough to be able to know what drugs to administer to myself and the only other person on board from my world.

The stitching, the physical injuries and the diagnosis, I never learnt anything about.

[Private]

[dark-surgeonx.livejournal.com]

Do you know enough to do basic patient care? Measure dosage, give injections, insert an IV, etc?

Re: [Private]

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

That's not how we administer drugs. I don't need to do any of that.

[Private]

[dark-surgeonx.livejournal.com]

How do you administer drugs?

Re: [Private]

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

Via the visual cortex.

It's a very, very specific method to my world, and why, despite my lack of qualifications, I'm the most qualified person to do so. Especially as my father, whilst here on a flood, left me a long list of notes on anything that might potentially go wrong.

These swatches stay with me. Nobody's taking them.

[Private]

[dark-surgeonx.livejournal.com]

I had no intention of taking them.

The reason I was asking is, since you say you're sincerely interested in being able to trust the medical staff, why not volunteer to act as a nurse or even an orderly?

Re: [Private]

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

Because I volunteered to do inventory. Something I have experience of. And was told I couldn't and wasn't allowed. It caused all sorts of a fuss, just because I was trying to help, and frankly, it put me off the idea.

[Private]

[dark-surgeonx.livejournal.com]

I see.

Re: [Private]

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

I don't think I'd be wanted, to be honest.

Which is alright, I've got other things to do.

[Private]

[dark-surgeonx.livejournal.com]

It's a possibility. Trust doesn't work when it's one sided, so I wouldn't be surprised if that was the sentiment among some of the other Infirmary staff.

Should you be curious about something or have a question, feel free to contact me via the network or come see me in the Infirmary. Since I have yet to be paired with an Inmate, that is where I spend most of my time.

Re: [Private]

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

I know. I guessed as much. It's okay if they don't trust me. I just don't want anyone... actively hating me. Or at least, not understanding why I don't trust them.

Thank you. The offer's appreciated.

I'm very sorry, but I don't think we've talked, and I don't know your name, Doctor.

[Private]

[dark-surgeonx.livejournal.com]

I don't think so either. As I said, I spend much of my time in research in the Infirmary, so I don't do a lot of socializing.

My name is Black Jack. I'm the ship's surgeon.

Re: [Private]

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

Black Jack. Right, right. Good to meet you, Mister Jack.

I'm Eddie Russett, by the way.

[paaaaaaaaaause]

This is going to sound exceptionally ignorant, but what's the difference between a surgeon and a doctor?

[Private]

[dark-surgeonx.livejournal.com]

Usually? Nothing. In my world, in order to be a practicing physician of any kind, you have to be licensed.

I'm not.

Re: [Private] - strangely. this makes you more trustworthy to eddie. I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

Why not?

[Private]

[dark-surgeonx.livejournal.com]

I don't want to be. I want to answer to my patients, no one else.

Re: [Private]

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

Hm.

Does that stay the same here?

[Private]

[dark-surgeonx.livejournal.com]

It does.

Re: [Private]

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

How did you learn anything, though?

[Private]

[dark-surgeonx.livejournal.com]

Oh, I still went through all the necessary training. Years of exhaustive studying followed by several more years of on the job training. I actually took and passed the medical license exam, and was licensed for a short while.

Re: [Private]

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

Then... how did you lose your licence?

[Private]

[dark-surgeonx.livejournal.com]

[He gives a light sigh.]

Shortly after I'd been accepted as a part of the surgical staff of a hospital, we had a patient who was suffering from a terminal illness. Surgery was their only chance. However, because the odds were so low, the senior staff refused to allow the operation.

I performed the operation without authorization and had my license revoked. It was only for three months, but I realized that I no longer wanted it.

The operation was a success, by the way.