1.1.01.01.030: variant b mildew.

[needshumility]

[Infirmary wardens (both doctors and not-doctors) filter. Plus Una, Jane, George and Victor]

I am... quite aware that one of your number, and a significant one, is not present for this, but I cannot simply sit on this for too long, and I believe we have some issues which need discussing. I do encourage this to be shared with her upon her return. It was no attempt to do it behind her back. I simply couldn't wait.

I have been advised to do this, and have included the person who advised me to do so, someone who has helped me previously with this, my inmate (as I wish matters to be clear to him) and Jane Brunswick, on this filter.

A while ago, when one of you was treating my inmate for injuries, I asked the doctor to show me everything they were doing, in detail. After I asked to see the drugs come out of their packets, and questioned the way I was being spoken to, said doctor then asked me why I was doing this. I then said, quite honestly, that I didn't trust them, and that it would be the same for any other doctor.

I also, admittedly, may have said that I did not believe the doctor to be incompetent. It was their intent, not their ability, that I didn't trust.

This remains the case. It has been suggested to me that I explain why, so I will give the best explanation I can.

I do not trust any Swatchman (my world's equivalent of a doctor, for reference) at home except my father. The simple reason why is that [copies words from Una] they are complicit in the state instructed murder of anyone politically inexpedient, or whose existence brings the nature of the collective into doubt. I used to trust them implicitly - much like everyone trusts you - and it was incredibly traumatic and difficult to discover otherwise. Therefore, I find it virtually impossible just to take your word for it that you do not do the same or similar. Everything that has been said to me by way of explanation has only sounded like what we're told about Swatchmen. I required proof to trust my own father, as a Swatchman. I hope you understand why, until I see some proof on your counts, I cannot trust you.

That being said; I am under the impression that I am being talked about. Why I am under that impression, I am not at liberty to share. Let me make a few things clear: I have not accused anyone of anything. I mentioned distrust, and that I wanted to make sure no harm was done. As, I believe, your 'oath' instructs you. I have never intended to stop you helping people. I am aware that you are the only people here capable of doing so.

My investigations into comas and disappearances are exactly that; investigations. I want to find the cause, whatever it might be. There is no result I am seeking specifically. It is not a vehicle to discredit anyone. Anything said to this end is, at best, a misunderstanding, and at very worst, a lie.

I hope this clarifies matters between us, and that nobody has cause to be upset or angry at me because of this.

I wish I could leave this here. I really do, but there are other things I have to say, because a lot of what has come to pass between us has upset me. I don't want that to be ignored.

I do feel, at times, that I have been patronised. Perhaps this is because I have not explained the nature of my distrust, but I have sometimes got the impression that it is assumed my distrust was because I didn't understand the medicine, and that an explanation like you would give to a child would suffice in making me feel better.

I also feel that my genuine concerns over comas and other matters have been dismissed, and incredibly rudely so. I was, and I paraphrase but do not misquote, told by a doctor that I should stop asking questions or go home. I have to point out, here and now, that this kind of response made my lack of trust worse and not better, as it appeared to me that something was being covered up.

There have been occasions when I, in my mind, have been insulted by a doctor here. Which perhaps is a matter of personal difficulty, not professional ones. But if it is standard for a doctor to tell me, in reference to the way I see colour, that it is a 'deficiency', then it hardly makes me inclined to trust you. I would not tolerate that language towards a Grey from someone Chromatic. I would not tolerate it from my inmate. So I think I have relative reason to be offended, in my view.

Finally, in regards to my offer to do the inventory, as I am worried about what assumptions you may have drawn and why; everything I offered was genuine, everything I said was the truth. I admit, I wanted to do it because I wanted to have a closer look at how you worked, but this was perhaps as much in the hope that I would see things to prove me wrong as it was that I might catch you proving me right. The fact I was not allowed, again, I will say, did not help my mistrust. It made everything seem like more of a closed world where I was not allowed to ask questions, offer assistance, and that any mistrust was down to be being an uneducated idiot. I am not saying this was the intent, but it was how it felt, and if I am explaining why I do not trust you all, I must include this matter.

I have to say: I still don't trust any of you. I might be wrong, I know that, but I can't take the risk. I hope you understand this. I will still request that unless it is the strictest of emergencies that I am present when you treat my inmate, and yes, that everything you do is demonstrated to me (nb: I know what your drugs do. I know what most of your equipment does. I just want to see that this is what's happening. And all that's happening). I would consider it irresponsible to my inmate's well being if I did not do so. I apologise if this offends you, but his well being comes before your feelings. I will not hide that this is the decision I have made.

((ooc: apologies for tl;dr, and apologies for doing it whilst some characters ain't about - I could wait, Eddie couldn't as he's a nervy little thing and doesn't want to chicken out. But backreading/tagging is not just fine, but encouraged. :D))

Comments

Re: Filtered.

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

Alright, let me deal with these issues in order, as it's the most... logical, I suppose.

Firstly, I only did it when you weren't here because I really couldn't wait on it. If I waited, I might never have done it. You also had left out of your own choice, but that is negligible, I suppose.

Secondly, it might not have been your intention to insult me, but the language you used clearly implied inferiority. If it was unintentional, your apology is accepted, but please take care in the language you use, especially in reference to how I am different to you. As for feeling patronised - I had already told you I'd gone to great lengths, come into the infirmary and tried to understand Previous medication. I told you this as well as the fact it should have been obvious that ignorance was not the problem.

I'd like to point out that there was no intention to make you feel 'attacked' as such. You asked me a question. I told you the truth. I didn't trust you. I never... insulted you personally. I never tried to be rude.

Going behind your back? As far as I remember, you asked me about the questionnaires and I told you everything. I gave you all the information, and for all you say you were concerned - to me, the fact you genuinely did tell me 'it was the Admiral, leave it alone' looked incredibly suspicious. From the context of where I'm from and everything like that, it looked horrific. I felt also, in that particular conversation, you were exceptionally rude to me. You were, essentially, telling me to leave the subject alone or go home. It looked like you were trying to discourage my curiosity about it, and no matter what conclusions you've medically drawn, I don't think that's the sort of thing which encourages me to trust you. Because in my view, if you can't find an answer, you keep looking.

As for the inventory. As I have said to other doctors - I was not doing it to spy on you. I genuinely wanted to help. I also thought that if I got involved, it would help me see what was going off and help me trust you more. I wasn't looking to catch you out. The way I was told no... did make it seem more like a closed little group than ever, and one which was being secretive. I accept that perhaps this wasn't true, but it certainly was how it seemed.

They're past issues, I admit. I made this post in order to resolve some of them, to clear the air. I think we've done that. It doesn't mean I like you or trust you. But I didn't want to sit here and stew about it any more, nor did I want to go and talk behind anyone's back. I decided it was best to be upfront.

In the end, doctor, I don't expect you to like me or trust me. I think we've gone past that. I don't think I will like, or trust you. But I am looking for a little understanding as to why I don't trust you, which is why I explained all of this. Equally, I am trying to find ways to look at trusting the doctors here. I'm not trying to be a nasty person, or a bad man. I'm not trying to attack you. From where I'm sat, I'm trying to defend myself, and trying to protect myself, my compatriot and my inmate.

Filtered.

[toldastory]

Whether or not I had left of my own choice or not isn't the issue here. The issue here, why I am angry, is that you knew full well that I wasn't here and you'd done it anyway. I understand that you felt the need to do it before you wouldn't, but I'm still entitled to feel angry, especially with how fast things move aboard the Barge.

Your questionnaires were distributed to other people well before I knew about them, to such an extent that I expect I was deliberately filtered away from them. It was only because you mentioned them publicly, about other people filling them out that I had any idea about them. I think that this public mention was likely an accident.

That makes me trust you less.

I will once again add that I felt attacked, because of the fact that I felt had been deliberately left off of something that I view as important. Afterwards, when I had calmed down, I believe that I offered you a chance to look at my personal medical files, because they were mine-- something that you didn't take me up on. That was me attempting to trust you with something. I'm sorry if I didn't explain it better, because then I didn't understand the different standards of our worlds concepts of privacy.

I'm not attempting to be a nasty person either. I'm not a nasty person; generally, I'm quite nice. I don't want to sit here and stew anymore either. Nor do I want to feel as if I'm under siege by you, which is how I've felt for the last two months. It's the reason that I was in need of a holiday even before I was turned into someone else. I normally wouldn't tell you that, but I'm trying to express how much what happened was bothering me in order to create a sense of understanding about this.

I think what's going on here is that we didn't see how we each made the other feel. You and I both perceived being insulted and attacked, and neither of us meant to do that.

Re: Filtered.

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

And given the amount of times people aren't here, you'd understand my need to get on with it, surely.

This isn't about you trusting me. Given the circumstances which I just explained, I was nervous about the doctors finding out about what I was doing - because I feared they'd do exactly what you'd do, and have my investigation shut down (which is how it seemed to me). Surely that is plain and understandable now?

I was also disinclined to take you up on your offer because, frankly, after the responses I'd got, I was angry at you. And viewed it at best, as a placatory offer, at worst, a distractionary one.

The problem is, I'm not sure exactly how I've offended you. I told you I didn't trust you, but instead of trying to understand why, you just seemed to view me as a villain who was trying to discredit you. Which is not at all what I was trying to do. Some of the other doctors here at discussed it with me reasonably rationally, explaining why they might be annoyed, but also seemed to be listening. You just seemed to take offence. I was trying to be as rational and polite as I possibly could be. There was no intent to put you 'under siege', and if that's the impression you got, I'm very sorry, but I'm not entirely sure where it was coming from. Apart from the fact I said, quite plainly and honestly 'I don't trust you'. The rest was, from what you've said, nothing more than your interpretation of my previous actions.

My point, I suppose, is that I shouldn't have had to make this post. I shouldn't have had to come and bear some horrible, disturbing secrets, tell you about things that genuinely upset me, just to make other people feel better. I would have much preferred to have a little understanding at first, rather than to have to come and ask for it.

But it is what it is, and I've got my solution to the situation. So we can leave this be, if you want.

Filtered.

[toldastory]

Eddie, a good chunk of this is your interpretation of my actions, which wasn't correct. The reason I viewed you like that was because of how your behavior appeared to me. You thought I was being sneaky, and I thought you were being sneaky and manipulative.

I'm curious to know, what if anything you knew about me other than the fact that I was a doctor. I've been a doctor here for two years, Eddie, and before that, I was a doctor at home. At home I've done good things, I've saved the world. I'm not being flippant here, I literally saved the world. You and Jane both treated me as if I was the sort of person whom I'd, myself, fought against. You have no idea what my life was like before I came here, because like me: you never asked. Treating me like that, how you did, is an insult.

In the past two years, I've worked insane hours, many days without sleep. I've sacrificed meals, and sleep, and happy times because there weren't enough doctors to treat people. At times, during such crises, I was the only doctor here. You treating me the way you did was like a slap in the face. It was like... saying that everything I did wasn't enough. I'm not certain how else to explain it to you. When I attempted to work with you, you accused me of being both insulting and patronizing. Politeness, on your behalf does not negate the things you did with the survey.

Eddie, if you had been forthcoming about this in the first place, rather than going behind people's backs, you'd have received a very different response. I wasn't aware you needed understanding because I'm not a mind reader. You can deny that you were going behind my back all you like, but the fact was that you were.

I don't like you, and I think you're manipulative, but I'm not going to fight with you any longer. All it's doing is making me angry when I don't want to be. If other doctors are willing to show you things and try to work on your phobia, I commend them for doing so, I respect them for doing so. I, on the other hand, can tell that it would only be bad for me, personally to try.

I'll respect your wishes with Victor, because I've already said I would, because I have.

I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot, Eddie, I really am. I respect that you did mention this, now.

Re: Filtered.

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

Except, doctor, I have just explained my reasons for interpreting your actions as I did. My very real and genuine reasons. Surely, as a doctor, you have people not trust you all the time.

This isn't about you as a person - or it wasn't, until I felt insulted by your actions. I, actually, like some of the doctors as people, but don't trust them as doctors. I happen to dislike you as well as not trust you, but they're distinctly separate things.

I did not go behind your back. I did not talk about you badly or inaccurately to anyone. I talked to a few people about doctors in general. I never specified you. Not once. I don't know what you mean by 'going behind your back' if you're convinced that's what I was doing. I didn't explain to you because I didn't think you'd understand, because I was, actually, afraid of you reacting as you had over Victor. Reacting by thinking I was trying to slap you in the face, rather than considering I might have very good reasons. It always seemed to me like you were too busy taking offence to actually deal with me reasonably.

It's not a phobia. Language usage, again. Phobia implies irrationality. I believe, given the context I've described, that it is perfectly rational. That's really my problem here - you have not treated me much like a rational human being. That's how it seems. I feel like I've been treated like an irrational, stupid little dog, not someone who has rationally thought this through.

So I will say this: If it was unintentional, then alright, I won't take offence. I'm prepared to let all of my feelings about this go.

But I don't intend to deal with you again. Ever, if I can help it.

So this is over. I'm finished and I've had enough. But now you know.

Filtered.

[toldastory]

You did. Those questionnaires were behind my back, Eddie. Just because you were forthcoming about them when I asked doesn't mean that the intention wasn't there to keep them secret. You yourself admitted you wanted into the infirmary to keep an eye on us.

I believe you have reason for not trusting doctors, Eddie.

And I don't intend to deal with you either. I will ask you, however, not to go behind my back again.

This boat isn't that big, and we're both going to be here for a while. We have to at least be civil with one another.

Re: Filtered.

[needshumility.livejournal.com]

They were kept away from the infirmary for a matter of a week or so. You're twisting my words, in regards to the inventory. I said I wanted into the infirmary to see what went on there - with the intent and desire to see something which meant I could trust you, as I was actually trying to find ways of dealing with you - someone on this very post suggested I got involved in the infirmary to make me feel more secure about how you were acting. This is all I was trying to do and 'keeping an eye on you' makes it seem like I was spying, or looking to catch you out. That phrasing is disingenuous.

I'll settle for just leaving you well alone and asking you to do the same.